Toxic Positivity

If you have ever been told to "look on the bright side" when you were struggling, you will know how frustrating it can feel. Perhaps you have shared something painful, only to hear things like, "Everything happens for a reason", "Just stay positive" or "At least it's not worse". These comments are usually well meant. Most people are trying to help. Yet sometimes they can leave us feeling unheard, dismissed or even guilty for having difficult emotions. This is where toxic positivity comes in. If you have never heard of the term before, don't worry. Many people haven't. This article will help you understand what toxic positivity is, why it happens, how to recognise it, and what you can do if it is affecting your life.

What is toxic positivity?

Toxic positivity is the belief that we should stay positive no matter what is happening. It is the idea that difficult emotions such as sadness, anger, grief, disappointment, or frustration should be pushed away and replaced with positive thinking.

Now, there is nothing wrong with optimism. In fact, optimism can be very helpful. The problem arises when positivity is used to avoid reality rather than cope with it.

Healthy positivity says: "This is difficult, but I believe I can get through it."

Toxic positivity says: "This isn't difficult. Just think positively and stop focusing on the negative."

The difference may seem small, but it is incredibly important. Healthy positivity makes room for difficult feelings. Toxic positivity tries to get rid of them.

Most people who use toxic positivity are not trying to cause harm. In fact, they are often uncomfortable with difficult emotions, either their own or someone else's.

Over time, we can learn that certain emotions are acceptable while others are not. Social media can make this even worse. We are often surrounded by messages encouraging us to be happy, productive, confident, and grateful all the time.

This can create the impression that feeling sad, anxious, angry, or overwhelmed is somehow a failure. But that simply is not true. Difficult emotions are a normal part of being human.

Why does it affect so many women?

Women are often expected to be emotionally supportive, calm, caring, and accommodating. Many women learn from a young age to put others first and avoid making people uncomfortable. As a result, they may suppress their own feelings to protect those around them.

You might recognise thoughts such as: "I shouldn't complain." "Other people have it worse." "I need to stay positive." "I don't want to be a burden."

Over time, this can lead to a habit of ignoring your own emotional needs. Instead of processing difficult feelings, you try to push them away. Unfortunately, emotions rarely disappear just because we ignore them.

How to recognise it

Toxic positivity can appear in many different ways. Some signs include:

1. Dismissing your own feelings
You tell yourself: "It's not that bad." "I shouldn't feel upset." "I need to get over it." Even when something genuinely hurts.

2. Feeling guilty for struggling
You believe you should always be coping well. When you aren't, you criticise yourself.

3. Avoiding difficult emotions
You distract yourself constantly so you never have to sit with uncomfortable feelings.

4. Hiding how you really feel
You tell everyone you're fine when you are anything but.

5. Feeling pressure to stay positive
Even during loss, grief, stress, or major life challenges.

6. Dismissing other people's feelings
You might find yourself saying: "At least..." "Look on the bright side." "Everything happens for a reason." Instead of listening and validating their experience.

If some of these sound familiar, please be gentle with yourself. These are learned behaviours, not personal flaws.

How it can affect you

At first, toxic positivity can seem helpful. After all, focusing on positive things feels better than focusing on painful ones. The problem is that emotions do not disappear when they are ignored.

When difficult feelings are repeatedly pushed aside, they often build up beneath the surface. You may notice:
Increased anxiety
Irritability
Emotional exhaustion
Difficulty sleeping
Feeling disconnected from yourself
Feeling numb or emotionally flat

Psychologists often describe emotions as information. Feelings tell us something about our experiences, needs, boundaries and wellbeing.

When we constantly silence those feelings, we lose access to important information. Imagine driving a car and covering every warning light on the dashboard with tape. The warning lights have not disappeared. You simply cannot see them anymore.

What you can do about it

The good news is that there is a healthier alternative. You do not have to choose between positivity and honesty. You can have both.

1. Allow yourself to feel what you feel
Emotions are not good or bad. They are simply experiences. Sadness, disappointment, frustration and grief are all normal human emotions.

2. Stop judging your feelings
Instead of asking: "Should I feel this way?" Try asking: "What is this feeling trying to tell me?"

3. Replace positivity with validation
Rather than saying: "I shouldn't be upset." Try: "It makes sense that I'm upset." This simple shift can be surprisingly powerful.

4. Talk to people who can listen
Seek out people who can sit with your emotions rather than trying to fix them immediately. Sometimes feeling understood is more valuable than receiving advice.

5. Practise self-compassion
Speak to yourself as you would speak to a close friend. Most of us would never speak to others as harshly as we speak to ourselves.

6. Remember that two things can be true at once
You can be grateful and struggling. You can be hopeful and frightened. You can be strong and need support. These experiences are not opposites. They can exist together.

Final Thoughts

True emotional wellbeing is not about being happy all the time. It is about being able to experience the full range of human emotions without shame. Healthy positivity sounds like:
"This is really hard right now."
"I don't like this situation."
"I'm struggling."
"I need support."
And also:
"I believe things can improve."
"I will get through this."
"I can take one step at a time."
This approach allows honesty and hope to exist side by side.

Many women spend years trying to be the strong one, the positive one or the person who never complains. The challenge is that constantly suppressing emotions comes at a cost. Learning to acknowledge your feelings can feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you have spent years avoiding them. But emotional honesty is not weakness. It is one of the foundations of emotional health. The more comfortable you become with your feelings, the less power they tend to have over you.

If you have spent years telling yourself to "just stay positive", you are not alone. You were probably doing the best you could with what you knew at the time. But you do not have to pretend everything is okay when it isn't. You are allowed to feel sad. You are allowed to feel angry. You are allowed to feel disappointed. And you are allowed to talk about those feelings without apologising for them.

Being positive is not the goal. Being honest is. Because when you allow yourself to acknowledge what is really happening, you give yourself the opportunity to heal, grow and move forward in a way that is genuine and lasting.